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UNCLE JACK'S WEBLOG
Wednesday, September 25, 2013
Outer Banks Crime in the Old Days
       Reading about the current crime wave on the Outer Banks which has featured all manner of offenses including drug busts, drive-by shootings, muggings, gang rumbles and other hitherto big-city type offenses reminded Uncle Jack of the old days when he used to cover the proceedings at District Court for the old Outer Banks Current. This was back in the 80's before real progress caught hold in Dare County and the social fabric started to shred. He has dipped into the archives to find a couple of examples of how the bad guys and gals were getting into trouble back in those days.


                            Dare County Court Report

       Two errant motorists were brought to the bar of justice in District Court last week when Judge Fentress ("Relentless Fentress") Warmer continued his dogged campaign to rid the Outer Banks of drunk drivers before the tourist season begins.
       In the morning session Miss Cindi Stupendas of Kill Devil Hills pleaded not guilty to charges of indecent exposure and driving under the influence. Officer Clyde Truthful of Nags Head testified that he was on routine patrol when he observed Miss Stupendas, a statuesque blonde, driving her silver Mercedes-Benz convertible "in a careless and erotic manner" on the Beach Road near the Sea Farm hotel at l:45 a.m. Wednesday. He pursued the suspect in the town's new high-mileage Suzuki Samurai patrol car but was unable to overtake the faster Mercedes until it came to a stop in the swimming pool of the Last Colony Inn. According to officer Truthful the accused was "floating real nice but too drunk to dogpaddle" when he rescued her from the pool. He further testified that he administered mouth-to-mouth resuscitation to the accused for nearly an hour before other rescue personnel pulled him off.
       Taking the stand in her own defense, Miss Stupendas, attired in a fetching gold lame stretch leotard with matching Gucci high-heeled clogs, explained to the court that on the night in question, having just left her weekly group therapy session at the home of friends in Kitty Hawk, she had noticed a smudge on the hood of her Mercedes which she foolishly attempted to remove without first stopping
the car. She surmised that it was just after her shoulder straps broke that officer Truthful had happened upon the scene, by which time she
had decided to seek professional assistance in cleaning her car. While proceeding south on the Beach Road, she said, she was momentarily blinded by her own cigarette lighter and mistook the Last Colony's swimming pool for a drive-in carwash, a mistake she
thought anyone could have made under the circumstances.
       Miss Stupendas further testified that she had refused to take the breathalyzer test on religious grounds, explaining that the members of her faith are expressly forbidden to expend breath after midnight except in praise of their Creator. Obviously impressed by the defendant's sincerity, contriteness and generally spectacular appearance, Judge Warmer departed somewhat from his usually stern treatment of DUI offenders. The judge, who is reported to have said once that in his considered opinion "a
pretty woman is naturally incapable of committing a crime" dismissed the indecent exposure charge on grounds that he could not believe that Miss Stupendas would not look fairly decent even without a stitch on. He did, however, caution her firmly to refrain
from driving her car again until it has been removed from the Last Colony pool.

After a brief recess for lunch Judge Warmer returned to the bench for the trial of Germont Wayne "Chubby" Tubbs, 19, of Drainfield who was arraigned last week on charges of driving under the influence, resisting arrest, and unauthorized consumption of hushpuppies.
According to testimony offered by twelve area law officers who participated in Tubbs' apprehension, the youth had led them on a hair-raising, high-speed chase through Kitty Hawk, Kill Devil Hills, Nags Head, Manns Harbor and Stumpy Point before crashing his modified l968 John Deere riding mower through the front door of Louie's Lobster Lounge on the causeway.
The arresting officers testified that Tubbs, who is five feet seven inches tall and weighs 420 pounds, held them at bay for 20 minutes while he consumed four baskets of Louie's famous hushpuppies and a quart of Fresca, after which he agreed to go quietly to the Manteo jail.
       Tubbs reported blew a 4.83 on the breathalyzer which the Sheriff's department promptly submitted to the Guinness Book of Records as a new high for northern Dare County this year. Tubbs, an unemployed scallop shucker, testified that he had no idea that anybody was chasing him because he was playing his 8-track "real loud" in order to hear a Loretta Lynn tape over the noise of his mower which he admitted probably needs a new muffler.
       The defendant insisted that he had consumed only one small glass of Piesporter Reisling '68 with his dinner at the Soundfare restaurant and attributed the high breathalyzer reading to his rare medical condition called "East Lake Syndrome" which causes corn meal to turn to alcohol in his stomach.
Tubbs' court-appointed lawyer, Claiborne Prawn of Elizabeth City, called several character witnesses to the stand in an apparent effort to distract attention from his client's 37 previous convictions on charges ranging from cruelty to oysters to eating a hang
glider.
       Obviously unimpressed, Judge Warmer ordered the youth to surrender his drivers license or go to jail. Lawyer Prawn informed the judge that his client would be unable to surrender his license because he had eaten it last month when he mistook his wallet for a
cheeseburger while dining at a local fast-food restaurant.
       Tubbs said he would cheerfully go to jail if the judge would promise to assign him to kitchen duty.


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This the cover of Uncle Jack's Kindle book whence the foregoing court report was lifted. There are 99 more pieces like this one plus a ton of pictures he took over the years in this digital marvel

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Another picture from the book---the Sea Ranch II after Isabel in 2003. Google "Uncle Jack's Outer Banks" Kindle Edition to learn how you can download this treasure to your Kindle or computer for only $4.99. Makes a great gift, too, for the right person.

posted by Uncle Jack at 9:43 AM

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Sunday, September 22, 2013
Is it safe to come?
       Uncle Jack and Mrs. U.J. are planning a trip to Nags Head next week but not without some trepidation. He read in the Voice that a house in KDH got shot up in a drive-by shooting recently and also that a woman on her way home from work one night got pushed off her bicycle and robbed. He is beginning to wonder if it wouldn’t be safer to stay in Baltimore until it calms down on the Outer Banks.
       A lot of their friends were worried when they found out they were moving to Baltimore to live but they have been up here for almost five years now and they have not been mugged or shot at once so far so maybe Charm City isn’t so dangerous after all.
       One of the people who was most worried about Uncle Jack’s move to Baltimore was his little brother Don, age 81, who lives out in rural Minnesota where nothing really bad has happened since the last ice age. He got a letter from his brother last week, though, which suggests that life in the northwoods can have its own hazards. Twice this summer Don has had to rush off to Urgent Care to get treated for serious tick bites which could lead to Lyme Disease which can be fatal if not treated quickly. Scary.
       Anyway they are looking forward to spending a few weeks in Sonag where they can walk the tick-free beach and try to forget the untimely collapse of their beloved Orioles who will not be in the playoffs this year in spite of an exciting winning season in which several of their players led the majors in all kinds of categories like home runs and extra base hits and fielding. They were fun to watch and they will be even better next year.
       Uncle Jack should probably apologize to his faithful readers for not writing more blog enries latelhy but this par agrahp will show you why. As he gets older his figers seem to get disconnected from his brain and he winds up making a ton of typos which he feels obliged to correct and it gets to be a real chore to write more than a few sentences sometimes. Anyway he will have plenty of time on his hands in Sonag so maybe he will do better in October if his spellcheck holds up.
       See you at Fishbones on the Outer Banks pier where parking shouldn’t be a problem at this time of the year and the afternoon sun on the waves can be viewed in comfort.


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Lots of fun in the pool with Mrs. U.J.'s grandkids this summer. A lifesaver during the hot spells of which there were many in Baltimore.

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It got a little congested at times so Uncle Jack reclined on the chaise lounge and worked on his skin cancer while replenishing his bodily fluids with Yuengling's lager.

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It's that time again in Baltimore. This tree is visible from the condo balcony.

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Across the street from our condo building in Guilford. It will only get more spectacular as the fall goes on. The voice of the leaf blower will be heard in the land.

posted by Uncle Jack at 6:20 PM

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Except for short hiatus in Baltimore Uncle Jack has lived in Nags Head for over 45 years. He was a columnist for the Outer Banks Current and its successor, the Outer Banks Sentinel, for 20 years. A collection of his columns is available from Amazon Kindle under the title Uncle Jack's Outer Banks. He and Mrs. Uncle Jack, aka Sue, live in South Nags Head whence he observes and sometimes comments on the passing parade.
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