An evening smile-

An evening smile-





As a bagpiper, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a
grave-side service for a homeless man, with no family or friends.
The funeral was to be held at a cemetery way back in the country,
and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost; and
being a typical man did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour
late. I saw the backhoe and the crew, who were eating lunch, but the
hearse was nowhere in sight.

I apologized to the workers for my tardiness and stepped to the side
of the open grave, where I saw the vault lid already in place. I assured
the workers I would not hold them up for long, but this was the proper
thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I
played out my heart and soul.

As I played the workers began to weep. I played, and I played, like I'd
never played before.....from Going Home & The Lord is my Shepherd to
Flowers of the Forest. I closed the lengthy session with Amazing Grace
and walked to my car.

As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of
the workers saying to another, "Sweet Jeezuz, Mary'n Joseph, I never
seen nothin' like that before - and I've been putting in septic tanks for
twenty years."


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RE: An evening smile-




There was a retired couple up north, and during snowstorms the local tv station would advise residents on which side of the street to park to allow plows to do their work without plowing in the residents or damaging their cars.
In December and early January, there were three storms and residents were instructed via radio and tv to park their cars on the "odd numbered side of the street". The wife dutifully did so, and plowing was uneventful.
In early February, a storm was brewing, which ended up dumping 10" of snow. The night before, residents were instructed via radio and tv to park on the EVEN side of the street. Plowing was unobstructed and fine.
A week later, a big northeast blow was coming up the coast. Strong winds were upon them, and as they listened to the tv station for instructions on where to park the car, they heard, "for the upcoming storm, park your cars on the...." as the power went out.
Lacking parking instructions, the panicked wife pleaded to her husband, "where should I park the car??!!"









His response, "why don't you just leave it in the garage?" Banana


RE: An evening smile-




Good one Hatterasnc.

Next- Somebody add another to the list. Keep it going. Thumbs up


RE: An evening smile-




No one else yet?

Then I will add another-

Father told me this joke back in the mid 40's and I haven't forgotten it all these years-

The Carnation Milk Company decided to have a contest to see if they could get a new slogan for their canned milk. (I don't know if they still sell it that way or not. Like I said, it was a long time ago)

A dairy farmer's wife saw the contest and she figured she could come up with the winning slogan. She sat down at the kitchen table and started to think. And after a while she wrote
"Carnation Milk is the best in the land. I always try to keep a can on hand".

She folded up the piece of paper and put it into an addressed envelope and set it on the kitchen counter.

Later that evening, the dairy farmer came in and saw the envelope, looked in it and saw what his wife had written. And he thought for a minute and said, "What the heck, I can do better than that" and he wrote something down and put the paper back in the envelope and sealed it up.

The next morning the wife takes the envelope to the mail box for the mailman to pick up.

About 2 months later, the dairy farmer's wife gets a phone call and it is a representative from the Carnation Milk Company. And he says to the lady, "Maam, I am calling to let you know that your slogan was the best one that we received but unfortunately, we cannot use it in a national advertising campaign".

And the lady said "I don't understand why it couldn't be".

And the Rep says "It has been a while and maybe you have forgotten what you sent to us so I will refresh your memory. Your slogan said
Carnation Milk is the best in the land. I always try to keep a can on hand.
No tits to pull, no flys to switch! You just punch a hole in the son of a ****!"


RE: An evening smile-




Very true story...About 20 years ago I had a tiny art gallery on the old Va Beach fishing pier, it was not in a very good location but during the day I got a fair amount of traffic. One windy spring night on the pier I remained open when out of the night about a dozen people crowded into my little space, obviously tired and drained from traveling long hours to get to the pier. They explained to me they promised their (cremated) friend they would launch him off the Va Beach fishing pier and cast his remains into the Atlantic ocean. That time of night the pier had long been closed but I knew a way of getting out there through a small back area behind the kitchen of this crazy pier bar (Ocean Eddie's) that was still open. I instructed them all to follow close behind me and keep low and quiet. We arrived about half way out on the pier when the the main guy says this is plenty far enough and quickly gathered his people for one last remark about his friend. I backed away from them waiting for them to finish but before I could told tell them to go to the other side of the pier the guy flings the urn into the strong south wind and the entire dusty remains flies right back into the crowd turning them all into a dull grayish color. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry, the screams are still pretty loud in my memory to this day.


RE: An evening smile-




Adding another one to the thread

An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large
Farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back,
Fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some
Apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and
Fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the
Pond, as he hadn't been there for a while and look it
Over.. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some
Fruit

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and
Laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young
Women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all
Went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not
Coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned and replied, 'I didn't
Come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you
Get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to
Feed the alligator.'

Moral: Old men can still think fast.



RE: An evening smile-




A man came into the veterinarian's office with a very ill duck. "Please, help my duck" he said. The vet looked at the duck and told him it had died.

The man said "it can't be!" At that point, a cat walked up to them, sniffed the duck, and shook it's head...the vet said "see, your duck has passed".

The man said "are you absolutely sure?" Then, a Labrador Retriever walked up to them, sniffed the duck, and shook his head...the vet said "sir, your duck has passed away...sorry".

The man asked if he owed anything, and the vet said "670.00, please". The man said "wow, why so much?" The vet said " for the cat-scan and lab work."


RE: An evening smile-




I have some questions


Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box ?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby " when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat ?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?
They're both dogs!

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?


RE: An evening smile-




Priceless words of wisdom


Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.'
- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)


I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'
- Eleanor Roosevelt


Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
- Mark Twain


The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
- George Burns


Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
- Victor Borge


Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain



By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates


I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx


My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
- Jimmy Durante



I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor


Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
- Alex Levine


My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
- Rodney Dangerfield


Money can't buy you happiness .. But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
- Spike Milligan


Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP .
- Joe Namath



I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
- Bob Hope


I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
- W. C. Fields


We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
- Will Rogers


Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
- Winston Churchill


Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
- Phyllis Diller


By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
- Billy Crystal


And the cardiologist's diet: - If it tastes good spit it out.